It's October. That means things. Thing numero uno is that it rained (real, cow-pissin'-on-a-rock, cats-and-dogs,row-row-row-your-fucking-boat-down-the-street From The Sky rain) for the first time in about 6 months. So thumbs up for that. Another thing is that my son is 3 months old today. So that's cool, too. But mostly October means movies. The scary(ish) kind. Tara and I always que up about a hundred horror flicks for the month of October, from old staples (Friday the 13th, Halloween, _____ of the Dead, you know) to weird ass, drug fueled Korean mind-fucks. This year we started with goofy 80s Creature Features and a few zombies.
GREMLINS: A childhood favorite. Goofy and gross, with some of the best puppet work on film. I love this fucking movie. Gremlin's freaked me the hell out when I was little, more so that bigger, nastier movie monsters like Ridley Scott's alien or werewolves (take your pick) or big gahdamned bugs. I think it was the fact that they grew off poor little Gizmo, and their insanity. They didn't hunt and kill; they aren't really monsters in that sense. They're just loco, crazy, off their rockers nutzo and they spend as much time tormenting each other as they do the confused, 80's village folk. Something about that really bothered me. Oh, and the dad is just awesome. So awesome.
CRITTERS: One of those movies I was familiar with but didn't remember a single thing about. Critters isn't really very scary, and I guess I never sided with the family, so I wasn't worried about their potential destruction and consumption by the furry, toothy, rolly polly Critters. In fact, I was downright fucking cheerful when BILLY ZANE! and his rat-tail get om nommed. Not to say I didn't enjoy the movie. It's just silly enough (man, what the fuck is up with those "bounty hunters"?) to save itself, and provides at least one likable protagonist in the firework hurling son, but it's no Gremlins.
GHOULIES: I have been trying to remember the name of this movie for years. YEARS. I loved this concept-knock-off when I was younger (well, not THIS one, but I'll get to that in a minute) and could remember exactly what the itty bitty little demons looked like, but could never find them anywhere. Then, BAM, front page of Netflix like they'd been reading my fucking mind. Only, well, Ghoulies isn't the movie I was thinking about. Ghoulies, it turns out, is not nearly as fun as the sequel. It's also not scary, and pretty confusing. That said, I was happy to have filled the gap in my memory, and quickly left this stinking carcass beyond in pursuit of its superior sequel.
GHOULIES II: I can't explain why I like this movie so much. The acting is pretty bad, the effects aren't good, the concept is ridiculous, the characters aren't likable, but gahdamnit, this movie just does it for me. It's really funny in a how-did-they-ever-get-this-shit-made sort of way, and I really dig the creature design. Like Gremlins, Ghoulies aren't just badass killing machines, they kill people in bizarre and illogical fashion, and then bow and high-five over the results of their destruction. Also, this movie had me double and triple checking toilets for years, but I don't want to spoil anything for you... Really, if you haven't seen this, do yourself a favor and check it out.
HIGH SCHOOL OF THE DEAD: An impressive anime about high school kids trying to survive the zombie apocalypse in Japan. It's currently maintaining a 5 star rating on Netflix, although I think this score is probably inflated by all the 13 year old boys masturbating furiously to the gratuitous panty and cleavage shots. But I'm not complaining, 'cause this is a solid zombie survival series. Yes, like most anime, the girls are wearing practically nothing and their tits are about 3 times too big to be real, but if you can get past that (or if, like me, you happen to enjoy enormous animated mammaries) then they're also strong, intelligent, and kick a whole lot of ass. And underneath all the bouncing boobs and zombie killing, there is a well conceived story and some interested discourse about survival and human nature. H.O.T.D. (don't ask me why there is no S.) rates pretty high up my zombie cinema list, and I strongly suggest you check it out.
Outside of the Horror genre, Tara and I also sat down to watch X-Men: First Class (finally).
X-MEN: FIRST CLASS: Creative, interesting, intense, most of all, fun. If 2 and 3 had been half this thoughtful or well put together, X-Men would be the best comic book movie franchise to date. Despite a couple plot holes (the helmet came from where again?), this is my favorite of the big screen X-Men flicks. I would love to see Deadpool come along and do even better, but, eh, I won't be holding my breath. I enjoyed the chosen mutants/powers on display, but more than that I was impressed by the creativity on display. The mutants actually used their powers in new and fun (and believable) ways. McAvoy and Fassbender were right on as X and Magneto. Their relationship is the foundation of the movie, and it holds up. While Bacon was distracting, his performance was fine. The two people who drove me just a little nuts were Mystique and Emma Frost. January Jones is oooooh so hot, but her performance was stiff (heh). She plays Frost exactly like she plays Betty Draper, and that's a problem. I don't even know why Jennifer Lawrence as Mystique wasn't doing it for me. Maybe because Stamos was so perfect... or something about the way she looked in the makeup. Especially her face. Anyway, I just kept wondering if there wasn't a better Mystique out there anywhere. But those are pretty much the only complaints I have about the movie, and they're rather small. The alternate history concept worked well, and there are a lot of possibilities for another movie or two in this time line.
Monday Movie Madness
The Anger Parade is Sexually Confused by Bad Teacher
Before I get into Bad Teacher, I want to apologize to the billions of people who don't read this blog. I know you don't visit this site to read half-assed movie reviews, because you don't visit this site at all and I'm not really sure why I'm apologizing to you. Huh.
Bad Teacher is funny. At moments, its really fucking funny. In fact, it had the theater howling for much of its run-time. Like any time Jason Segel is on screen. He nails the irreverent, immature, self-satisfied Gym Teacher perfectly. Also, Phyllis Smith's quiet, uncomfortable Lynn, the side kick, brings the giggles. The jokes are raunchy, the situations ridiculous, and there fun to be had in abundance.
That said, the whole thing never quite congeals, for a few reasons. One, is the other characters I haven't mentioned. Timberlake's awkward, out of place rich pretty boy substitute teacher too often overshot funny and landed in strange. Likewise, Lucy Punch brings a lot of crazy, but it's not always funny. Her character is a balance of cute and crazy, and when she's being silly and pouty she is freakin' adorable, but the wackier she gets, the less funny the character is. And then there is the biggest problem with the movie. Cameron "I'm too old for this shit" Diaz. I mean, come on. She looks like Edward James Olmos, for cryin' out loud. Not to say that she isn't funny. In fact, she plays the part of raunchy, over-sexed Bad Teacher woman very well, but too much of the movie relies on her being sexy, which she. just. isn't. I couldn't see guys drooling while she attempted a sexy car wash, for example. Diaz ended up being a huge distraction for me, and I would have much rather seen someone else in the role. I never really figured out if she was supposed to be a young, fresh teacher or a middle aged woman trying to escape this life she never loved. Which isn't all Diaz's fault. There are a number of issues with the screenplay. While the jokes often work, the story is a complete mess. We don't know why people are doing what they are doing, and while the ending isn't a surprise, because we know what's going to happen because, well, duh, it's not in any way built up to or believable in the world of these characters.
None of this ruined the movie, not for me. It was still funny and entertaining, but it falls well short of the other raunchy comedies of our generation, and if I were you, I wouldn't bother with Bad Teacher in theaters, but would definitely check it out on the rental platform of your choice.
The Anger Parade fights the Fear with Green Lantern
Just got home from a small screening of Green Lantern courtesy of @headgeek666, AICN, the Alamo Drafthouse, and of course Warner Bros. I started getting feedback about Green Lantern yesterday while Tarable (don't tell her I call her that) and I were sitting in line waiting for seats to Attack the Block, also courtesy of AICN, when a few reviews from a local press screening started popping up. The crowd of movie geeks around us exploded with conversation about the reviews, which were all negative. Really negative. The word hate was thrown around. I was surprised. So I went into the movie tonight with all this negativity, this yellow fear, buzzing in my skull.
Then Harry takes the stage and talks for a couple minutes about how unreal it is to be seeing a Green Lantern movie (I'm not old enough or so well versed in GL to share his awe at this point), and how he hopes its the movie we all want it to be, even if its not the perfect movie. Then he asks who's wearing their Green Lantern Rings, which Tarable and I are, so the crowd shows off their geek gear, and then he said something that I thought was funny, incredibly geeky, and a little profound. Harry said, basically, that we should all WILL the movie to be what we want it to be. This was an interesting comment, and I think it has bearing on the critical reaction to the movie.
With that thought in my head, and the pre-conceived negativity pushed to the back of my mind, I was able to sit back and enjoy the film. Green Lantern is an entertaining flick that delivers on the looks and the action, but stumbles due to poor writing, cheesiness, and clumpy pacing. Ryan Reynolds should bring in a crowd, and he's predictably charismatic, even when he struggles with poorly written dialogue. Blake Lively is smoking hot, but spends a little too much time as the damsel in distress. I thought her first scene was completely flat, which had me worried, but her Carol Ferris grew on me as the movie moved forward. Which brings me to something I really liked about the movie: there are a number of scenes where people geek out about how cool it is that their buddy Hal Jordan is now a superhero. I thought these scenes worked, were funny, and were generally well integrated into the story. It translated some of the wonder the audience is meant to feel onto the screen, into these side characters, and these scenes got appreciative laughs and nods from my fellow viewers. My favorite parts of Green Lantern were the trips to Oa. They were visually fascinating, and I wish we had spent more time with the alien members of the Green Lantern Corps. I hope this movie succeeds, if for no other reason than I want a sequel that isn't an origin story, in which some of the real potential of the Green Lantern Crops is unleashed.
Most of Green Lanterns most dangerous failures are not what it DID, but what it didn't do. If you make a movie about a Corps of Superheroes who can do quite literally anything they can imagine, the directors, screen writers, and special effects folks had better come up with some really creative fucking constructs to wow the audience with. This part of the film was underwhelming. The constructs looked cool, but there were too many mundane weapons and not enough Holy Shit moments. I wanted to have a shit eating grin on my face every time Hal used the ring, but I was underwhelmed. Sure, there are a couple cool moments, which I won't ruin for you, but damn it, I want more. So much more.
In the end, Tarable and I liked Green Lantern. I don't understand the violent hatred for it. and most of the people I heard talking about it liked it too. Partly, I think it has to do with the overwhelming number of Superhero comic book adaptions coming out this summer, and the fact that they're getting worse instead of better. It's been years since Iron Man and The Dark Knight showed the world what comic book movies could be, but no one has yet lived up to those examples. People want more than what we're being given. Though I haven't seen it, the X-Men remake supposedly bucks the trend of declining returns. Lets see where Captain America takes us next month.
Anyway, it's late and I'm tired. In the last couple weeks I've also caught Attack of the Block, and attended @headgeek666's awesome Super 8 event, which I'll be writing about soon. Here, just because, is the Green Lantern Trailer. Take the oath!
The Anger Parade Drives. Angry.
DRIVE ANGRY is a film full of promise and problems. I was grinning like a fucking skull one minute and then dying of boredom the next, due largely to poor pacing and an apparent lack of cohesive vision. Overall I would say I enjoyed the film, but I don't know if I liked it. It just wasn't... angry enough, for the Anger Parade.
This would usually be where I'd write a recap, but fuck that. I've embedded the trailer at the end of the post, and it tells you way more than you need to know. So watch that, then come back.
William Fichtner almost single handed-ly saves the film. His Accountant, who reminded me consistently of Agent Smith, grabs hold of ever scene he's in and lets you forget about Nic Cage being kinda angry in the background. He just sort of... saunters along, fearless and confident. His success is a certainty, and he never acts otherwise. I believed he was something otherworldly. But he wasn't emotionless or robotic, like Agent Smith (who was a program and thus supposed to be emotionless and robotic). The Accountant feels alive but unconcerned, like a cat lazily playing with a mouse it's already caught. It's a great performance. But not enough to save this movie. Along with Fichtner, Amber Heard's tire-smoking hot Piper and Billy Burke's drawling, devil-worshiping Jonah King are both entertaining and engaging in their own way. I found Piper to be surprisingly tough and foulmouthed. A perfect sidekick. And Jonah King is charismatic enough to be a believable cult leader, but annoying enough I wanted him to die fucking horribly.
The action was fun but, for a movie called DRIVE ANGRY, there wasn't enough of it. What should have been a high-octane, blood fueled race from start to finish limped along like a muscle car full of bullet holes. That is to say it sputtered and died repeatedly and took awhile to get started again. The fights were gory but silly, and not in that good, Grindhouse way either. Everything felt too shiny... it had that Hollywood polish, but this film should have been gritty unpolished to match the mood it wanted to set. Even scenes that had a tractor-trailer load of of promise too often were derailed by fatal blowouts just as they should have taken off. For example, there is a scene in which Cage's character, Milton, is attacked by a dozen devil-worshiping rednecks with melee weapons while he's fucking a truck stop waitress. Follows is a slapped together, unfunny scene where he shoots and kills them while he continues to fuck this woman. It could have been awesome. It's not.
The jokes... the jokes were fucking terrible. The 3D effects, which were probably cheesy in 3D, were triply so in 2D. Poorly rendered bullets flying toward the screen, slow motion, close up coin flips, unbelievable glass breakage... it looks juvenile, which goes back to my point about it feeling too glossy, where it should be dark and gritty. The plot is silly, but that's okay. What's not okay is DRIVE ANGRY too often pit-stopping to expound on some bullshit we don't fucking care about. There is a short, unexplained pre-credit sequence where we see a car busting out of a fiery prison. There is a bullshit voice-over about criminals thinking they can get away, but can't, blah blah blah. The should have info-dumped the plot right here, and then never stopped the fucking car for the rest of the movie. Driving, shooting, fucking, shooting, driving. That should have been the storyboard for DRIVE ANGRY. But instead it limps and fumbles and the result is a kind of entertaining film that is worth the dollar to rent at Redbox, but that's about it, and please don't forget to take it back on time. You really don't want to pay an extra dollar.
But if you think DRIVE ANGRY sounds awesome, then I have good news for you. They drop some corny bullshit before the credits that leaves the story open to a sequel. So look for Nic Cage as John Milton in
DRIVE ANGRIER 3D
Coming soon to a theater near you.
And here's the full trailer in HD for your viewing pleasure. This trailer is, however, fucking terrible. Just saying.
