There can be only one: Charlie Sheen

It pains me to jump on any sort of bandwagon and beating dead horses just makes me sad, so I really intended to stay away from this particular wagon being drawn by a team of well flogged long dead equine, but then Mike and I spent two hours drinking and overindulging in the Charlie Sheen media blitz, after which I came home to find this over at Virtual Shackles and, well, here we are...


Jeremy and Mike's graphical representation of the Sheen Situation is glorious, much like the insane bastard himself. But that's not what I wanted to talk about. Instead, the diagram got my wondering... Who would win in a free for all death-match: Voldemort, Kratos, Edward Cullen, or Charlie Sheen? Let's break down the competitors:

Voldemort, a.k.a The Dark Lord, a.k.a Tom Riddle -
This snake-faced villain of the Potterverse was the most powerful dark wizard EVAR, going so far as the stage a complete take-over of the (highly mismanaged) wizard government and generally Winning the world, or at least wizard-Europe. That is, until he lost.
Powers: Voldemort has an impressive array of ways to make you pay. Dude's got snake blood in his veins, a mug so ugly that looks might just kill, and a spell for every occasion in his arsenal. Snakes out of hats, hurricanes of glass, unendurable pain, mind control up in your brain, legions of followers including undead and dementors, and of course the most dangerous thing of all, the killing curse. And he can fly! But, in the end, he needs his wand to wield the worst of his wizardly powers.
Vulnerabilities: Voldemort, well, his Achille's Heel, according to Mrs. Rowling, is that he doesn't know how to love. Soooooo sad. I, however, think his weakness is not being creative enough. He's got the killing curse, Avada Kedavra, and, well, he jumps straight to it, every time. It's great and all, but it just doesn't do the trick. Maybe, instead of trying to kill HP with the same spell every fucking time, Voldemort should have called a meteor out of the sky and blasted the Hogwarts Express off the face of the planet while all the students were on board. I bet even the Boy Who Lived wouldn't have crawled his ass out of that one. I guess what I really mean, though, is that Big V is a children's storybook villain, and he just isn't quite evil enough to take over the world.
Death: Voldemort went out of his way to make himself immortal and indestructible. High-profile murders split his soul into pieces, which ensures his continued existence unless those horcruxes are destroyed. In the end, though, they were, and Voldemort got his skinny, pale ass handed to him by a 17 year old. But then, everyone else on this list has died, too.


Kratos, a.k.a The Ghost of Sparta, a.k.a The God of War -
When it comes to killing, Kratos is tops. This Spartan anti-hero never met a man he didn't murder. Or a woman, or child, or Titan, or God. Deadin' fuckers is quite literally all Kratos does, and many of them there folk are supposed to be, y'know, immortal.
Powers: Kratos has an arsenal of mythological weapons at his command, but really he only needs two things: His fists. Sure, the Blades of Chaos are fucking awesome, but you know what? Kratos pulled Helios' head off with his gods-damned bare hands. Then he pummels Zeus (the King of the Gods, yo) into a stain. With his gods-damned bare hands.
Vulnerabilities: Kratos, unlike Voldemort, is down right frightening in his creative massacring of his enemies. Lilly's love shield wouldn't have staved off the Blades of Chaos if Kratos came knocking. His biggest problem, then? He can't stop. He just kills and kills and kills. He kills everybody. Even his wife and daughter die by his own hand. He kills himself twice. Just when it looks like he's won, he offs himself. That thin line between life and death? For him, that's the razer edge of the Blades of Chaos, and as soon as he runs out of foes, his weapon turns on himself. Just like Voldemort, he doesn't have anything to fight for.
Death: Kratos has died several times, twice by his own hand (I guess that makes him a LOT emo). But you just can't keep a God of War down, because he's killed his way out of Hades more than once, which makes him pretty fucking dangerous.


Edward Cullen, a.k.a Edward Anthony Mason, a.k.a Mr. Sparkly Pants -
Edward is a hundred year old vampire, giving him all manner of immunities, super human strength and speed, and a taste for blood. But he's not your monstrous, mindless blood-sucker, no. He's pretty. Even sunlight won't kill him. Instead, he, uh... sparkles... in the sun, like he passed out while babysitting his Bedazzle-happy niece. And he's got a thing for empty-eyed teenage girls.
Powers: He's strong and he's fast and he makes soccer moms want to fuck a teenager. And Amber says his eyes change color when he's... I forgot 'cause who gives a shit.
Vulnerabilities: Edward Cullen fights for the love of a girl 90 years his junior. Which is creepy. So, I guess EC's weakness, besides being the worst kind of pedophile, is not having enough strengths and being sparkly. Plus, what's he gonna do when Kratos saws his lover in half? He's gonna cry sparkly tears and wait to die. Again.
Death: Edward Cullen IS dead, or sparkly living undead, anyway, making him harder to re-dead than your average high school pretty boy. However, there is some bleeding around the edges of the universe here, because Robert Pattinson, the empty husk giving face to Cullen's shining soul, has already faced a much weakened Voldemort and ended up even more empty-eyed than usual, dead at the end of Voldy's wand and the killing curse, Avada Kedavra.


Charlie Sheen, a.k.a Carlos Irwin Estevez, a.k.a The Crack Head Superhero -
Charlie Sheen is on a drug, and that drug is Charlie Sheen. Side effects of which include: Winning. Being Awesome. Making your competitors look like droopy-eyed armless children. Epic Bitchin'ness. Being too honest. Winning. 'Cause he's bi-Winning.
Powers: What can't he do? He's an F-18, bro, doing strafing runs in his underwear. He heals at a rate that unevolved minds can't process. He's got magic and poetry at his fingertips, and incredible mental powers. He thinks it and so it is. Combine that with having a different constitution, a different brain, a different heart, and tiger's blood, a Charlie Sheen fight scene looks like a cocaine fueled Beast Wars / Scott Pilgrim mashup. He's dealing with fools and trolls, man. Losers. Winning. Buh-bye.
Vulnerabilities: All of Charlie's weakness are, it turns out, actually strengths. He can do fucking anything. His greatest flaw is that he is so perfect and bitchin' that we can't process it, bro! Boom. Winning. Duh.
Death: Charlie Sheen, he was born dead, then resurrected. I don't know if he can die again. In his own words, "Dying's for fools, dying's for amateurs." And Charlie, well he's a fucking pro, brah.


But what does it all mean, man? Put these four psychotic sons'er'bitches in the fucking Thunderdome and which one man leaves? Here's how I see it playing out:

The weakest contender is easily senior Cullen. The unfortunate fact is that he's a character from a teen melodromance series, and he's not cut out to stand toe to toe with competitors the likes of Kratos and Charlie Sheen. While Voldemort's killing curse might not snuff out his sparkly lights, Kratos would pull the vampire apart piece by sparkly piece, with a Triangle, Triangle, Square, Circle, Shake shake shake his heart around in victory combo. Boom. Winning.

Voldemort's crazy just won't be able to stand up to Charlie Sheen's crazy. Much like V's first encounter with Harry Potter, a killing curse aimed at Charlie Sheen would rebound and destroy the man holding the wand. Sheen's love for himself is so powerful that he can't die. He would sacrifice himself to save himself, thus creating a sort of short circuited love loop in which he is always being created and destroyed, dying and being reborn, like a tiger-phoenix rising from the ashes of his career to spout more crazy. Voldemort just isn't creative enough to best Charlie Sheen, who has magic and poetry at his fingertips (no wand necessary). In the end, Voldemort gets blasted to bits while Charlie is winning over here and winning over there.

What's over there? Kratos. But how would that duel go down, with the two weaker competitors out of the way? Sure, Kratos has bested Men and Gods and Titans, but Charlie Sheen is none of those things. He's perfect and bitchin'. None of the Olympians can say that! And Sheen's confidence far outstrips that of Kratos. All Sheen does is win. Physical violence is of no use against a Being such as the Sheen. Unevovled minds like ours can't even process what is going on. Charlie would think about winning and, Boom. Winning. It rhymes with winning. Kratos just can't compete with that. There's not enough Hope in Pandora's Box to counteract all the Winning in Charlie Sheen. Did I mention winning? Perfect epic bitching winning? Buh bye.

In the end there can only be one, of course: Charlie Sheen. We have created him, and he is our god.